Man In The Mirror

Mirrorface: The look of coolness, focus and determination that appears on one's grill when in front of a mirror. A self-preservation technique in which one fantasizes about looking way better than they really do, usually occurring prior to a significant social outing.
Rick got suited up for a night out with his homies. Prior to his departure into the evening, he gave himself one final mirrorface. He knew he was ready to slay some hoes.

For the second time this week, I've been unwillingly up at the ass crack of dawn. It was another all-night coughing fit. My dad heard me in the middle of the night and told me to take Oxycodone and Robitussin, which, by the way, is a bizarre combination. I felt like I was sleeping in slow motion, if you can imagine that—I was consciously dreaming, but time felt completely nonlinear, and I kept imagining myself lifting cardboard boxes. OK, my acid trip is over, let's move on.

I'm not going to get into the Michael Jackson/Farrah Fawcett stories because I have nothing to say that hasn't been said. It's sad to have lost two American icons, however the coverage has been a little absurd the past few days, especially over the former. I'm curious as to what other world news has been neglected because of it. Also, American media has created such a tragic, one-dimensional view of death with our famous. These people have moved on and will now have their spirits celebrated for years to come. And I think that's nice.

Next: movies. I had really high expectations for Away We Go. The cast is excellent, it's directed by Sam Mendez and written by Dave Eggers (who I know is hot shit but haven't read him yet. I know, who am I?) It seems destined for "indie" rom-com greatness, don't you think? Just watch this:



Problem is all the best parts of the movie are already in the trailer. The story is underdeveloped, the acting is only mediocre and a good soundtrack seems to be what pushes the narrative forward. The film is watchable, even cute, but nothing original or life-changing. And I must express annoyance with John Krasinski, who I used to adore but now realize just plays variations of Jim in all his roles—this one being Slightly Alternative Jim.

So I'm in need of a laptop sleeve, and I've literally looked everywhere both in stores and online. I came across this and think it's adorable. But not for the $40 it would cost, include S&H. That's too much, right? Do I really need to make a statement with my computer protector? Because if I did, then I may have to go with this bad boy.

It screams, "Fuck with my laptop, and I'll char your fingers off!"

Knowing me, I'll probably grow impatient and just buy the first black sleeve I find. But until then, maybe I'll just keep my laptop in... a cardboard box (I am totally still tripping).


J.

Roadtrip Anyone?

War Corps: a FOR-profit organization founded by Jessica Clark and Julia Shiplett in the spring of '09 that works to oppose the Peace Corps in every way imaginable. This includes blowing up buildings, wasting food and stealing teddy bears from small children.
Tiffany: So what are your plans after graduation?
Joshua: Well, I applied to War Corps but I'm still waiting to hear back. I'm all about anarchy.

This is how we imagine our corps members to look like.

I'm coming at you from my very new laptop that I very much love. Such a ridiculous improvement from my 2005 10-lb iBook with the broken mic, chipped corner, permanently dim screen and speed of a snail on its deathbed. I can't believe I used to lug that thing everywhere; a typewriter would have been better for class. I think my new investment will inspire me to start fresh in other aspects of my life, as well.

LIFE UPGRADE

My new baby also just allowed me to video chat with my awesome friend Laura-Claire for the first time, who's currently teaching English outside of Seoul.

Here she is with an Afghan from the animal shelter she works at.

Sorry for being weird and posting this like a gushing mother, but I MISS YOU, LC.

Moving on, I've come to realize how much of this country I have not seen yet so I aim to change that. Here's a list of American cities I will attempt to visit in my twenties:

Austin - Even though I'm kinda scared of the state as a whole, I think Austin would be a refreshing bubble kinda the way Madison is in Wisconsin. Also, I'm dying to go to South by Southwest.
Portland - Seems beautiful and laid-back, like a less emo Seattle. Also, I was watching No Reservations, and Anthony Bourdain said it is the place for foodies to be. Needless to say, I think I'd do well there.
New Orleans - Mardi Gras aside, it's just too important not to visit.
Miami - Um... Will Smith, hello?
Boston - Rich history and lots of young people. Good combo.
Boulder - Everyone I know who has ever lived or visited there has told me I'd fit right in. Not entirely sure what that means, but I'm curious to find out.
Philadelphia - Just seems cool for some reason. Perhaps It's Always Sunny sealed the deal for me. Who wouldn't want to get drunk with Danny DeVito at 11:00 in the morning?

Lastly, I would like to end on this irrelevant note... just cuz.



Until next time, stick with coffee.


J.

"You Got BIG!" And You Became an Ass

Madam's apple: A play on "Adam's apple," referring to the large bulge on the trachea of a woman. May be the sign of a male-to-female transvestite or transsexual, or may simply be genetics.
Holy crap! Look at the madam's apple on Ann Coulter!

Case in point.

Sorry for another two-week hiatus, but I live at home now and nothing happens. But Julia, then you should have much more time to share your thoughts/aspirations/photos of dogs wearing wigs you google! Problem is I'm just not that motivated.

The past few days have revolved around my nine-year-old neighbor Roy, a precocious little man with a big appetite. The kid can eat. Because of him, I've gone to movies I would never otherwise see in a theater, i.e. Land of the Lost and Terminator Salvation. Both somewhat entertaining in their moments but completely forgettable.

I will say one thing though—I do love the wardrobes of any sci-fi, apocalyptic movie... Matrix, Children of Men, War of the Worlds, Terminator... It's British punk meets the Marines meets Eileen Fisher. Like heavily-zippered jackets, combat boots and perfectly frayed, organic tops.

Do these sweaters not scream "end of the world" to you?

See what I mean?

Also, my movie-going experience was slightly ruined after a run-in with this guy from high school who works at the theater, whose name I can't remember.

Guy: Yo, you were in my homebase. Ms. Berry, right?
Me: Oh yeah. Hey, how's it going?
Guy: Dammnnn, girl, you got BIG!!
Me: What?
Guy: I mean, like, you grew. Even in your cheeks! [makes exploding cheek motion]
Me: So you're pretty much just calling me fat...
Guy: Naw, that's not what I'm sayin' [laughing]. You just used to be real petite and shit... and you just grew and got big!
Me: Sweet, thanks. I'm gonna go to the bathroom now and try to shit out the 70 pounds I apparently gained since college. BYE!

So I didn't exactly say that last part, but I was pissed. Who says that? Even if I did put on a little weight. It's not like I can't lose it eventually (as I pop a third Lindt Lindor truffle into my mouth. Dammit.)

Anyway, here's my list of books to read this summer that I'm pretty jazzed about. Thus far:

In Cold Blood, Truman Capote
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman
The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan
Taking the Red Pill, Glenn Yeffeth

Damn straight I'm taking the red pill. This book sounds B.A.

But first, you can find me reading The Hollywood Assistants Handbook that Rachel lent me. I know, I know... sounds kinda ridic. But it's actually really funny and insightful. After I finish, I'll let you know what I learned.

Until then, would you get me some Starbucks, hon?


J.

That's What I Call Good Advertising

Mommunist: A term used to describe a mother who acts like a tyrannical dictator of a household; best used for women originating from communist nations (i.e. China) but can be applied loosely. May also be referred to as Mom Zedong.

Mother: If you don't clean those dishes in the next two minutes, I won't let you use the car ever again!
Child: Jeez, can you stop being such a Mommunist? I am almost 22!

I made this one up myself if you can't tell. People, I NEED to get out this house. I know I'm experiencing what a lot of recent college grads who move back home go through, but it sucks. Really, it does. Everyday, I'm asked how many resumes I sent out, if I'm going to start working out again anytime soon, if I'm going to become someone a parent can generally be proud of, etc. It's exhausting.

Speaking of communism and mothers, mine recently returned from a trip to China and brought home some interesting gear for my brother and I to sport around town. According to her, "commie chic is very in." I made my brother model the apparel for your viewing pleasure:

A true propaganda poster boy.
I think the shirt is cool, but the hat is absurd.

Thank god for a sibling I can bitch to. However, I also walked in on him singing along to Barry White recently, so I'm not sure what that says about either of us.

Another reason I want to move to the city is so I can play this song (you may remember it from this commercial a few years ago) and feel like it belongs in my life:




Don't you feel like you should be walking in slow motion through a super swanky lounge with cool light fixtures filled with beautiful people of all colors wearing a sexy black dress with one strap falling down because you're a little tipsy? Because I do. And in case you're curious, the song is called "Breathe" by Telepopmusik.

Let's talk about Conan—I missed it last night, but I thought his first show went pretty well. Pretty classic O'Brien. Something was a little off though. The intro was weird because the original seems so New York with all the famous landmarks, but now it's LA stuff. I don't love the set either. Feels big and flashy, not personal and classic like the old one. I don't know, maybe I'm just criticial because I subconsciously don't want him in LA. Although he is a new motive to move out there in the next few years. Hmm... a place near Universal Studios perhaps? We shall see.

Until then, pick me up in a Mitsubishi.


- J.

My Friday's Fancier Than Yours

Hater tots: Like haterade, the figurative snack you consume when you're hating on someone.
Guy 1: He acts like he's the shit because he has that Mercedes SLR.
Guy 2: Man, you need to cut down on all those hater tots you've been eating.

Top of the morn'! TGIF, huh? Can I get an amen?! Finally, I got the "the Man" off my back for the next two days. Gonna take my tie off and RAGE.

... Hah, if only my life slightly resembled that right now.

Stuff ain't bad—waking up at 10:30, messing around on the online abyss, catching up on old Vanity Fairs—but I got to find some work. Not just to make money but to get out of my house and feel mildly useful. It's hard to look for something just temporary and still interesting though.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm supposed to stick around here for a while anyway—Chicago, I mean. The more I come back, the more I realize it's a city I can actually see myself living in for a while. Maybe that time is now.

Thailand is definitely still on the radar, but my mom's relentless protests aren't helping. She fears I will become a heroine-shooting surfer hanging with boy-turned-girl prostitutes who will later traffic me to Cambodia... where I will become Buddhist. Dun, Dun, DUN.

Oh, well. It's my decision in the end, and "I'm gonna get what I want!"

When I figure out what that is. But what I do know I want is this hair:

Rad, right? I may or may not get a perm.

Alright, I know this entry was short and pointless, but it's time for other stuff. Have a good weekend, and until next time, cut back on them hater tots.


- J.

It's Looking Like a Limb Torn Off

Leave Britney Alone: An exclamation made when your friends or family are teasing you to a point where you can't handle it anymore and a hissy fit is in order. Derived from a YouTube user's famed outburst following Britney's lackluster performance at the 2007 VMA's.

Sarah: OMG Susan, I can't believe you are wearing the same skirt as yesterday. Oh, and by the way, EVERYONE knows what you did with Kevin on the weekend. Plus you look a little fat, are you retaining water?

Susan: LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

Hi hi hi, sorry sorry sorry. But I just graduated, so I've been ENDLESSLY busy this past week. Actually, I've been basking in wonderful nothingness.

Recap of the past week or so:

- My family came up for graduation, including my lovely grandma from Seattle.

- Commencement with Bud Selig (boring and extremely generic). His speech could have been given at a batmitzvah.

- Various graduation parties/too much drinking.

- Half-heartedly researching my potential future, maybe sorta. I don't know.
- Chilling with the homies/avoiding unpacking.

- Watching movies—Rachel Getting Married, Doubt, Capote, Frost/Nixon, Wristcutters.

I LOVE Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He's my new favorite actor. He's so good in everything he's in. Definitely someone I'd want to have lunch with.

He'll have the BLT.

Oh man, crazy story. Some time during finals week, my roommate was lying out on our balcony when she heard something fall on one of the chairs. Look what she found:


The poor little thing had fallen out of its nest or something, and its mom kept swooping back and forth looking for it, but she couldn't see it. We didn't know what to do so we tried to give it water and feed it yolk. (Is that weird to feed to a bird? I mean, it's what they eat in their eggs.) That night, it stormed so we brought it inside and made a makeshift incubator to stay warm in. We named him Thomas. He died the next morning. It was really tragic but also kind of amazing to see something like that up close. Weird I took photos, I know, but I wasn't trying to be exploitative. It's part of nature—just watch Planet Earth.

On a lighter note, I can't stop listening to this song right now. It's not new, but I just discovered Band of Horses a few weeks ago.

EXCITING NEWS: This summer, I plan to start a movie blog called Cinemama (cute, right? because I'm like a girl and stuff). It won't be geared toward just girls, but it's meant to demonstrate we're not just designated to chick flicks and period pieces. Hopefully it will include reviews, news and opinions on the industry. Of course, I welcome other voices as well. But right now, it's a work in progress.

OK, gotta go. Until next time, RIP Thomas.


J.

All Over the Place

Ghettiquette: Socially acceptable behavior in the ghetto. Good manners in a bad neighborhood.

It is considered good ghettiquette to pour out the first drink of your forty to honor your dead homies. It is considered bad ghettiquette to mess up the rotation. Puff, puff, pass.

Hello all, sorry if this entry seems really disjointed—it was written over a 5-day period. I start writing, then have to go somewhere or get distracted, you know how it is. The past week and has revolved around finally finishing my screenplay (hallelujah), applying for this arts and culture journalism scholarship (they only choose one writer, I'm not expecting anything) and thinking about "Jackie and Debra." On numerous occasions, I've laughed aloud in class by myself about it. I've also picked up her speech pattern, which is great.

"Let's plant a tree for Stephanie Berger!"

More highlights: FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS! I saw them at the Overture Center last Sunday night and they were friggin' awesome. Also awesome was Eugene Mirman who opened for them. "I was doing a book reading in Seattle when this kid with Aspergers stands up in the back row and yells 'bow down to me for I am your ruler!' And I responded, 'But I do bow down to you.' Because that's who god really is—a 12-year-old boy with high-functioning autism." It was funny, but maybe you had to be there.

I don't think Mel is crazy at all. If I was a stalker, these would be my types.

I took this Dreamweaver class last week so I can become a master of the Internet. We had barely learned anything yet and were just messing around with the features, when my skinny Abercrombie/Hollister-clad instructor flatly said, "If you really wanna look like a n00b, don't title your Web site." Like heaven forbid we don't title our Web site though you haven't even taught us how to make one yet. I laughed—again maybe you had to be there.

Mifflin was yesterday and although I did enjoy myself, I'm glad it's over. Day-drinking for eight hours is not something I handle well. And living on Mifflin is surprisingly stressful, especially when 17-year-olds townies try to enter your house and won't get off your porch. On top of the alcohol, I felt drunk with power kicking strangers off my property.

And no one dared fucking with me with this on.

Minus a few obnoxious guests and the puke under the kitchen table, the day was successful—beautiful weather, nothing stolen and no tickets. Woot Woot.

Now, I must work on my film paper comparing Pride and Prejudice of 1940 with the 2005 version. Oh Keira Knightley, despite your beauty I am still tempted to mess up your face. It's a weird feeling to know exactly what you have to do before you graduate in two weeks. Bah, let's just not think about it.

Until next time, title your Web sites.

-J.